4 Tips for Reconnecting When Your Marriage Feels Distant

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1. Take Time to Let Go of or Kindly Address Any Negative Assumptions You Are Harboring

Before you can reconnect and get on the same page, you have to let go of or address any negativity that has built up in your relationship. Sometimes this looks like personally repenting for allowing your mind to pull you away from your spouse. We must let go of the thoughts that want to tell us that our relationship is doomed and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, we have to take time to flip the script mentally, and instead of meditating on the things going wrong with our spouses, we should start to consider everything they are doing right.

If they've been super busy at work, remember to be thankful that they are a diligent employee helping to provide for your family. If they have been preoccupied with your children, remember that having a committed co-parent in your home is a blessing. Find ways to see them in a positive light and cultivate gratitude for who they are.

If there is something specific your spouse has done or failed to do that you would like to discuss, find a way to talk about it that does not feel like an ambush. Focus on using "I feel" statements rather than making accusations. Allow space to brainstorm ways to remedy the situation together, and be willing to own your role in your relationship. Growing apart is rarely just one person's fault.

Make space to hear each other so you can come back together feeling like no hidden elephants are in the room. If it feels too much to navigate these conversations on your own, don't be afraid to enlist a counselor's help.

2. Schedule Time to Be Together

What our marriages need most is time spent together. When we fell in love, we invested countless hours into knowing and being close to each other. Sharing time becomes much more difficult as life progresses, but it is the lifeline for a connected marriage.

Don't leave connecting to chance; schedule it.

I recommend specifically scheduling time to have fun. Seriously, sometimes my husband and I forget that we are fun people who can enjoy each other because so much of our time is filled with caring for kids, cooking, cleaning, shuttling kids to activities, and finally collapsing to sleep. When you take a break from all those responsibilities and go out to enjoy each other, suddenly you start to remember that you do like each other, and you are more than just a taxi driver. You are whole, amazing people who are worth the effort required to know and love each other.

Schedule time to check in on the logistics, too. Meetings to ensure you're on the same page regarding finances, scheduling, parenting, faith, and more also keep us unified.

My husband and I schedule monthly dates and nights away together once every 2-3 months, and try to check in at least weekly on the day-to-day stuff. We should be doing more, but knowing we at least have this time committed to each other helps to hold us together. If you feel you can't do this, I assure you, it is possible. You may have to rely on your village; some will make it happen. We have six kids, both have jobs, homeschool, and have other commitments. It's not easy to make time for each other, but we've tried it the other way many times over the years, and every time we get slack about time together, our marriage quickly descends into chaos.

3. Prioritize Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy can quickly fall to the wayside when we are not diligent about remaining connected as a couple. Yet, it is a huge part of how we remain close and express our love in our marriages. If it's been a while, things can get awkward, but it's crucial that you get creative about how to ease back into connecting with affection by regularly having sex.

If things are feeling uncomfortable, it can be helpful to make a plan so you both feel comfortable. Consider that first awkward time shared, perhaps on your wedding night, you overcame your fears then, you can do it again. Set a time to be alone, take your time, and create a comfortable environment for you both to let your guard down.

This is not a great time to discuss issues you may be wading through as a couple, as that can derail your plans for intimacy. Just commit to being there, being together, and enjoying physical intimacy with your partner.

If needed, schedule a time during the week to repeat this regularly. I know schedules may not feel romantic, but if we are not naturally finding ways to be together, making a mutual commitment to be close is a great way to show each other how much you love each other. If things disrupt the schedule, be diligent about setting an alternate time to meet each other at least once a week so you don't grow distant again.

4. Pray Together Regularly

One key to my husband's and my hearts softening toward each other was praying together as much as possible at the end of the day. Something about bringing God into the mix helps give us a better perspective, tames our selfishness, and quiets our negative assumptions.

Research now tells us that couples who pray together stay together! The choice to commit to praying as a couple is a very intentional and powerful one. A part of this prayer time is an opportunity to communicate. You have to share what's on your heart in order to pray over these things, which boosts intimacy and connection.

Bringing your concerns to Jesus together takes the blame away from your partner. It allows you to address concerns with a mutual place to lay them down instead of pinning the cause of your worries onto your spouse. I love that God is so faithful to honor this simple act. Through him, we have all we need to remain faithful to our marriage vows.