8 Things to Do When You Feel Overwhelmed by Your Marriage

1. Rein in Your Emotions

It’s impossible to feel overwhelmed without feeling frustrated, sad, mad, anxious, angry, or a combination. In today’s world, with access to so many people and so much worldwide news, we carry mental, emotional, and psychological weight that was never ours to bear.

Thus, it’s essential to acknowledge that feeling overwhelmed in our relationship means we have reached, or even exceeded, our emotional capacity to handle what we currently face.

When you hit this wall, step back and name your emotions—while keeping them in check. Bring your feelings to God and allow Him to reposition your heart so your emotions don’t steer your words and actions.

This took almost four years for me to understand in my marriage, not only regarding myself, but also my spouse. I had to learn that my go-to emotion is often anger, and unchecked anger never curates a resolution-based conversation.

Meanwhile, my husband’s mental/emotional capacity is strongest after a good night’s rest, so it’s often best for me to bring hurt or frustrated feelings to him when he’s well-rested (and has had coffee…that always helps, too).

2. Write Down Why and How You Feel Overwhelmed

Once you’ve identified the emotions associated with your feelings of overwhelm, it’s important to understand why you feel those things. Is the anger caused by consistently feeling that your opinion is disregarded? Does the frustration come from feeling as though you must always ask for their help because they don’t take initiative? Is the sadness rooted in a habitual sin that they continue?

We weren’t given emotions to simply feel things and move on. We were given emotions to recognize when the heart needs to wrestle with and work out certain issues. Do your emotions a favor by not only reining them in when they’re out of line, but by taking some time to sit down and write out exactly why you feel the way you do.

It makes a difference when you have specific examples that support your feelings of overwhelm, creating a clearer path for communication with your spouse.

3. Pray for Wisdom to Create a Healthy Conversation

Even with feelings kept in check and their root issues identified, if you don’t use these tools to create a conversation with your partner, they serve no purpose. It’s unfair to assume your spouse can read your mind or recognize all of your emotions if you don’t explain them. When this lack of communication occurs, it’s much easier for people to make assumptions and build resentment.

However, even if you believe you’re ready to have a healthy conversation and explain your overwhelm, it’s crucial to pray first. Though we often feel justified in how we perceive things, it’s easy, given our limited understanding, to misinterpret, mishear, or misunderstand our partner. Even if we have a correct interpretation of the circumstances, it’s easy to let impatience or our pride try to fix things in our own way, at our own pace.

Your prayers could be as simple as, “God, guide my words,” or “God, I feel so hurt. Don’t let my emotions get in the way of a healthy conversation.” No matter the length, pray to God for wisdom and discernment before beginning your conversation with your spouse.

4. Share and Listen

Once you have covered your future conversation in prayer, invite your spouse to a special dinner or to a quiet cup of coffee (when they are mentally/emotionally/physically able to put their best foot forward), and share your heart. Use that list to explain the specific reasons you feel overwhelmed, hurt, frustrated, etc. Be both respectful and truthful, letting love—not emotions or fear—guide your words.

Then, listen to their response. If they aren’t ready to dive deep into the conversation, give them space and grace. They might feel they need to gather their own thoughts, pray, consider your words, etc. Respectfully ask for a specific day/time that the two of you can revisit this.

However, if they are comfortable opening up, give them the floor. Completely. Let them air out their emotions, their examples, and their perspective. You can’t solve both parties’ problems if both aren’t given equal space to share their concerns.

Make eye contact a priority, keep cell phones and electronic devices put away, and maintain healthy body language.

5. Apologize Where/If Necessary

There is God-given power in apologizing. It’s not only a spiritual mandate to ask forgiveness and repent, but it’s mentally, emotionally, and even physically freeing. If your spouse points out areas where you are in the wrong or neglecting their feelings/needs, apologize. Without sarcasm. Without an acidic tone. Without an “I’ll apologize, but only if…”

Simply apologize. And see how easily that opens the door for them to feel free to apologize too.

Marriage requires you to share each other’s burdens and struggles, including when each party is seeking forgiveness and reconciliation.

(It’s important to note, however, that if you are in an abusive situation, you aren’t called to apologize when you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not your calling to go along with their gaslighting and shaming. Jesus never once called us to walk in a spirit of fear, surrounded by those who long to hurt us, but to walk in a spirit of freedom, sheltered by His good hand and the love and support of healthy, God-honoring believers.)

6. Establish a Prayer Routine with Your Spouse

Once healthy reconciliation is established, take things a step further and establish a new prayer routine with your spouse. This isn’t always comfortable. Some people simply don’t like praying aloud or in the presence of others. However, just as it’s important to have healthy emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage, it’s crucial to share in spiritual intimacy. This includes praying for, and especially with, one another.

Don’t set huge expectations. Start small and ask God to bless this time. Consider asking your spouse if you can pray for one another over the phone every Monday morning as you both commute to work. Consider holding hands and praying together 2-3 times each week before bed. Create a measurable, rhythmic prayer routine and allow God to bless your faithfulness and commitment.

7. Prioritize Quality Time

Quality time won’t simply happen. Life demands far too much from each of us, whether we are newlyweds with new jobs, young couples drowning in diapers, parents shuffling kids to all the ball practices, or empty nesters trying to find new ways to plug into the community. It’s easy to put the fun parts of marriage on the back burner. It’s crucial that both of you prioritize quality time together.

This doesn’t require anyone to spend tons of money or plan a week-long getaway, but it can be as simple as establishing the first and third Friday night of every month as your dinner dates. It could be seeing a pottery or dance class on Facebook and surprising your spouse with a fun night of trying something new. It could be making a bag of popcorn once or twice each month and watching your spouse’s favorite movies with them.

The options are limitless, which is why there is no excuse for neglecting the power and intimacy of quality one-on-one time with your life partner. Remember, your spouse is your best friend, the one you pledged to safeguard. This requires intentionality in the small, fun things, too.

8. Practice Gratitude for the Relationship

Apart from consistent gratitude, we fail to remember why others are so important to us. We get sidetracked by our to-dos, caught up in our accomplishments, and wound up by our own concerns and forget that we are married to a human being who needs to know they are seen and loved, too.

Thank God each day for your spouse, naming specific things about them that are life-giving, and don’t forget to share these things with your partner. It’s hard for hurt and frustration to take root when you and your spouse consistently build one another up in prayer, word, and deed.

The Human Factor of an Overwhelmed Marriage

If these eight steps were as easy and successful as a brownie recipe, we would all be sugary sweet to one another all the time, without any arguments or crises. But in a fallen world, that simply isn’t the case.

Take prayerful time with each step, bringing careful consideration and humble requests to God. Let Him work on your spouse and you to bring about His good and perfect will, in His time.

There is no better mediator for an overwhelmed marriage than the God who has never been overwhelmed. Let His all-knowing, all-powerful, loving heart guide your communication, reconciliation, and healing.

Related:

4 Steps to Take if You Are Unhappy in Your Marriage

6 Simple Ways to Show Your Spouse Affection When You Don't Feel Like It